amoeba

Two or so days ago I was sitting under a tree with S and we were right by some pagoda-like structure on the field. Something about the structure reminded me so much of my childhood neighborhood. And I guess I had been thinking about it recently, due to one of my grandparents falling ill, and talking about Korea with my professor, who is also from Seoul. To be honest, I couldn’t help but tear up. I really thought I would cry, but instead I heaved a deep sigh and it passed right through me.

Last night there was news that a student, a sophomore, had killed himself on campus. Now there are rumors about a body found in the gardens. This week is reading period, so it’s likely that what drove him to do it was academic pressure and/or mental illness.

The professor and I, walking through the gardens at night, missed it by a few days only. A classmate and I watched the sunset in the gardens recently, too; we missed it by even fewer days. I texted my mom about it and she said “[my] life is long and bright” ahead of me. I imagined it stretching out like a skein of threaded light before my eyes, but it felt so distant, like I had nothing to do with it.

I told K about it. I said that I was freaked out. He asked me if I was afraid that I'd end up like him.

Later I emailed the professor to say thank you, and he responded with “I believe things will pan out very well for you”. All of these things happening around the same time make me feel strange, like a pit in my stomach threatening to open up. He couldn’t have been more than twenty, right?